I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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