...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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