she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Randomize
