my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
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And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
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I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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