Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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