My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
