Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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