I'm eating all of the evidence.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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