So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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