seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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