I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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