im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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