her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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