I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
