drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I am spending my child support on dildos
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
