im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
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