So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
