Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
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