and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
