I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
