You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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