Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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