Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
