i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
