Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
