Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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