Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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