I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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