My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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