I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
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We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
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I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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