I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
