Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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