therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
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When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
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I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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