Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
