Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
