Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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