just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
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Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
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