I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
