There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize