You can't special order awesome
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
In other news, I just burned my penis
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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