I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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