new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
