THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
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