i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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