I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
