He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
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It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
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Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
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