I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
