Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
