Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
