Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
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There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
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I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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