I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
