come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
