I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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